I'm totally on one of my highs right now. And I can feel it. I don't always recognize when my low hits or when my high hits, but I feel that the sudden shifts are becoming more apparent. I sometimes know when I'm sad and try to combat it with other activities, mental or physical. And now, I'm pulling out the stove scrubbing the wall, after a day full of shopping, biking, went to the library for a couple hours and did calculus, late night sit-ups, and a long hot shower with a self-facial, and swept all my floors and now intend to mop. This isn't normal. I love it when I'm on one of my highs, and the lows deplete me just the same. I wish I could stay high for life.
but i know what be round dat corner
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
please come back to me
again I've fallen victim to the weather dictating my mood.
i have to figure out a way to combat the negativity that overshadows my being when the sun is away.
i have to figure out a way to combat the negativity that overshadows my being when the sun is away.
Friday, March 7, 2008
how empty my life has become
a couple of good weeks and now I'm so low.
I was happy when it was warm and I was out riding my bike. I was happy being with friends. I'm happy when I'm succeeding in school. I'm happy when I'm rollerblading. I'm happy when I get to take the top off my jeep. I'm happy when I am not alone.
I'm happy when I'm not alone.
when I'm alone, I'm sad, I'm dead, the world goes on while I lay in bed, a dirty bed, for I cannot even bring myself to wash the sheets. I have school books scattered throughout the house and haven't been able to pick them up in weeks. I'm spiraling down.
my mom says "honey, you just gotta do it"... yeah, well if it was that fucking easy don't you think I'd be moving forward instead of lifeless and comatose?
I need help. Sometimes I picture myself as this mysterious old house, that's rather beautiful, yet tattered... and it's always sunny and the curtains swirl around as the wind shifts them with it's energy. And all is peaceful and smiling. And then a shadow falls upon this house, and I'm left feeling depleted of all energy and positive thoughts, my house is now very dismal and brown and gray. And just before the cold darkness consumes me, I reach out... the last candle burning, yearning for someone to lift me, lift me out of this darkness... then the wind, icy and arrogant, pushes aside my soft white curtain to the lone lit candle, leaving me in the darkness.
The window is closed.
I was happy when it was warm and I was out riding my bike. I was happy being with friends. I'm happy when I'm succeeding in school. I'm happy when I'm rollerblading. I'm happy when I get to take the top off my jeep. I'm happy when I am not alone.
I'm happy when I'm not alone.
when I'm alone, I'm sad, I'm dead, the world goes on while I lay in bed, a dirty bed, for I cannot even bring myself to wash the sheets. I have school books scattered throughout the house and haven't been able to pick them up in weeks. I'm spiraling down.
my mom says "honey, you just gotta do it"... yeah, well if it was that fucking easy don't you think I'd be moving forward instead of lifeless and comatose?
I need help. Sometimes I picture myself as this mysterious old house, that's rather beautiful, yet tattered... and it's always sunny and the curtains swirl around as the wind shifts them with it's energy. And all is peaceful and smiling. And then a shadow falls upon this house, and I'm left feeling depleted of all energy and positive thoughts, my house is now very dismal and brown and gray. And just before the cold darkness consumes me, I reach out... the last candle burning, yearning for someone to lift me, lift me out of this darkness... then the wind, icy and arrogant, pushes aside my soft white curtain to the lone lit candle, leaving me in the darkness.
The window is closed.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Saturday, February 16, 2008
internal struggle
the most awful thing you can do to someone is make them believe they have mental disabilities when they do not. my ex-love convinced me that all the issues I presented were in my head. I have vivid memories of me sitting on his bed, and he sitting across from me in a chair, holding my hands in his... "believe in me, beLIEVE in me.." "why are you so suspicious"
he had me so messed up, I saw a psych who put me on many drugs.
and to find out later that it was a very, very long string of lies.
there was a constant inner struggle going on which was tearing me apart, my intuition fighting with the fact that I really did want to believe in him.
eyes wide shut.
he had me so messed up, I saw a psych who put me on many drugs.
and to find out later that it was a very, very long string of lies.
there was a constant inner struggle going on which was tearing me apart, my intuition fighting with the fact that I really did want to believe in him.
eyes wide shut.
Friday, February 15, 2008
thunderstorm turning me on
yes, that's right boy. perfect storm...
well my theory about my moods and the weather doesn't seem true today... or maybe rain is cleansing and affects me positively. Maybe it's just the cold, overcast weather which gives me the blues. I'm sitting on a covered deck, reading, writing, looking up at the sky which has opened with millions of drops for my dehydrated soul. It's beautiful. I do not feel alone.
well my theory about my moods and the weather doesn't seem true today... or maybe rain is cleansing and affects me positively. Maybe it's just the cold, overcast weather which gives me the blues. I'm sitting on a covered deck, reading, writing, looking up at the sky which has opened with millions of drops for my dehydrated soul. It's beautiful. I do not feel alone.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
boys with beards
I love them. Especially boys with beards on bikes. *drooling*
Today, I am well. A little tired, but I have a double latte on the way. Yesterday? Not so good.
yesterday, a bad energy took over me and my sadness consumed me. I hardly left the house. I wanted to go to bed for the night at 630. I did the things that usually lift my spirits, but was unsuccessful. It was overcast and the wind had a chill. My ex seemed to be present, translucently walking around me, intensifying my sadness. It isn't often that I sit and cry.
I don't know what brought this on, and I couldn't figure out how to change my state of mind. I crawled in bed at a little after 7p, only to force myself up shortly after. A short conversation with a family member suggested taking some vitamins and advil, in which I also followed up with xanax, a dirty martini, and green to give me a different perspective. I began to feel much better, and made some progress doing things around the house.
While I do not normally turn to self-medicating, drinking and drugs for my well being, it most certainly boosted me out of my slump yesterday. And today? It's a beautiful day.
Today, I am well. A little tired, but I have a double latte on the way. Yesterday? Not so good.
yesterday, a bad energy took over me and my sadness consumed me. I hardly left the house. I wanted to go to bed for the night at 630. I did the things that usually lift my spirits, but was unsuccessful. It was overcast and the wind had a chill. My ex seemed to be present, translucently walking around me, intensifying my sadness. It isn't often that I sit and cry.
I don't know what brought this on, and I couldn't figure out how to change my state of mind. I crawled in bed at a little after 7p, only to force myself up shortly after. A short conversation with a family member suggested taking some vitamins and advil, in which I also followed up with xanax, a dirty martini, and green to give me a different perspective. I began to feel much better, and made some progress doing things around the house.
While I do not normally turn to self-medicating, drinking and drugs for my well being, it most certainly boosted me out of my slump yesterday. And today? It's a beautiful day.
Saturday, February 9, 2008
they call me a sun child
the sun is out, it's warm, and the sky is blue and clear. which means, I am very, very happy. in the past year, I have realized that my moods are directly affected by the weather. when it's beautiful like today, I couldn't be happier. when it's gloomy outside, I couldn't be gloomier. I'm working on trying to be happy everyday. working on a positive and peaceful state of mind. so then, what to do with the negative thoughts and feelings that arise. if I don't suppress them and don't ignore them and I'm not consumed by them, how do I free myself from them in a way which is healthy?
Thursday, February 7, 2008
sometimes I'm together...
sometimes I'm not. You see, this is broken heart #4 for me. I suppose I should be thankful that I've found love 4 times. I think the lucky 4 should be thankful for having had me. I hope they miss me. I'm not perfect, I know this. But I do have special powers in making someone feel as if they are on top. of. the. world. I only know this because I've been told. Since I was very young.
"there's something about you."
something that draws certain people to me.
however, I can be fierce.
"there's something about you."
something that draws certain people to me.
however, I can be fierce.
the crispness in the air in my nose in my lungs in my soul
this is me.
whoever reads this will know more about me than anyone. sometimes you will love me, sometimes you will hate me, sometimes you'll feel bad for me, sometimes you will be jealous of me. no one can love me completely. at least that has been true in my days before now. either i will not let you.... or my faults destroy that intense and what seems like, short, honeymoon love. lets just work at you liking me first.
whoever reads this will know more about me than anyone. sometimes you will love me, sometimes you will hate me, sometimes you'll feel bad for me, sometimes you will be jealous of me. no one can love me completely. at least that has been true in my days before now. either i will not let you.... or my faults destroy that intense and what seems like, short, honeymoon love. lets just work at you liking me first.
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