where you be

have i been having so much fun i have forgotten about being sad?

internal struggle

the most awful thing you can do to someone is make them believe they have mental disabilities when they do not. my ex-love convinced me that all the issues I presented were in my head. I have vivid memories of me sitting on his bed, and he sitting across from me in a chair, holding my hands in his... "believe in me, beLIEVE in me.." "why are you so suspicious"
he had me so messed up, I saw a psych who put me on many drugs.
and to find out later that it was a very, very long string of lies.
there was a constant inner struggle going on which was tearing me apart, my intuition fighting with the fact that I really did want to believe in him.
eyes wide shut.

thunderstorm turning me on

yes, that's right boy. perfect storm...
well my theory about my moods and the weather doesn't seem true today... or maybe rain is cleansing and affects me positively. Maybe it's just the cold, overcast weather which gives me the blues. I'm sitting on a covered deck, reading, writing, looking up at the sky which has opened with millions of drops for my dehydrated soul. It's beautiful. I do not feel alone.

boys with beards

I love them. Especially boys with beards on bikes. *drooling*
Today, I am well. A little tired, but I have a double latte on the way. Yesterday? Not so good.
yesterday, a bad energy took over me and my sadness consumed me. I hardly left the house. I wanted to go to bed for the night at 630. I did the things that usually lift my spirits, but was unsuccessful. It was overcast and the wind had a chill. My ex seemed to be present, translucently walking around me, intensifying my sadness. It isn't often that I sit and cry.
I don't know what brought this on, and I couldn't figure out how to change my state of mind. I crawled in bed at a little after 7p, only to force myself up shortly after. A short conversation with a family member suggested taking some vitamins and advil, in which I also followed up with xanax, a dirty martini, and green to give me a different perspective. I began to feel much better, and made some progress doing things around the house.
While I do not normally turn to self-medicating, drinking and drugs for my well being, it most certainly boosted me out of my slump yesterday. And today? It's a beautiful day.

they call me a sun child

the sun is out, it's warm, and the sky is blue and clear. which means, I am very, very happy. in the past year, I have realized that my moods are directly affected by the weather. when it's beautiful like today, I couldn't be happier. when it's gloomy outside, I couldn't be gloomier. I'm working on trying to be happy everyday. working on a positive and peaceful state of mind. so then, what to do with the negative thoughts and feelings that arise. if I don't suppress them and don't ignore them and I'm not consumed by them, how do I free myself from them in a way which is healthy?

sometimes I'm together...

sometimes I'm not. You see, this is broken heart #4 for me. I suppose I should be thankful that I've found love 4 times. I think the lucky 4 should be thankful for having had me. I hope they miss me. I'm not perfect, I know this. But I do have special powers in making someone feel as if they are on top. of. the. world. I only know this because I've been told. Since I was very young.
"there's something about you."
something that draws certain people to me.
however, I can be fierce.

the crispness in the air in my nose in my lungs in my soul

this is me.

whoever reads this will know more about me than anyone. sometimes you will love me, sometimes you will hate me, sometimes you'll feel bad for me, sometimes you will be jealous of me. no one can love me completely. at least that has been true in my days before now. either i will not let you.... or my faults destroy that intense and what seems like, short, honeymoon love. lets just work at you liking me first.